This Winter, I Am Giving Up On Romance and Giving Into Myself

Astrology Journal Entry: What this Libra Solar Eclipse has taught me about limiting beliefs in romance, art, and my relationship with work. Being a Black lesbian is hard y'all.

A faint rainbow I caught, on my way to my art studio. Taken on my iPhone lol.

Hello!

While the previous pieces I’ve posted on Substack are more artistic and poetic, I want to allow myself to write a diverse array of works. I enjoy writing poems, journal entries, fiction, and research articles. As a visual artist with a decent following on social media, I’ve regularly felt trapped by algorithms and the need to stay “consistent” for my audience’s expectations. I began this Substack to help me experiment with play, new forms of artistic expression, and a place to document lengthy thoughts that have no place on fast paced social media.

I encourage you all to journal in the comments, or in the privacy of your own notes. Here are some of the questions that I’ve been facing:

• How is this solar eclipse treating you? 

• In your life, do you see any connections between the April solar eclipse and this October one? 

• What limiting beliefs are you working on? 

• How do you nurture your relationship with yourself? 

• How do you remind yourself of your value and worth, even in times of difficulty?

• Are romance and art connected for you? How?

The fact that I’ve amassed over 400 followers on this site within a few weeks has blown my mind. I have not promoted my Substack to my other online platforms that much. I Googled if it’s possible for someone to have accidentally bought me Substack followers as some sort of prank, because I genuinely cannot believe my eyes. The community on this site is so intelligent, intentional, and creative. I feel similarly to when I joined Twitter a few years back. But as Twitter has fallen into hell after Elon’s ego-fueled purchase, I’ve been craving a platform that hosts journalists, artists, and nerds alike. I’ve only been on Substack for about a month, but it already feels like a blessing. I am excited and grateful to connect with others and grow as a writer.

Circling back to my disbelief of my following count on here, this solar eclipse in Libra has been intense for me. As a Scorpio rising, Libra is my twelfth house of hidden enemies, subconscious beliefs, and dreams. The twelfth is ruled by Neptune, who is a watery malefic known for deception, delusion, and the mystical realm. With Libra’s association with justice, balance and love, this eclipse has highlighted a lot of my insecurities with those topics. In general, I am beginning to unpack the fact that I have limiting beliefs surrounding what is possible for me and my life. This eclipse is also connected to the solar Eclipse in Aries on April 8th of 2024.

I have felt stuck for a while now, artistically. I graduated from college with my bachelor’s four months ago. To describe myself as burnt out would be an understatement. In my senior year, I helped direct and design a 100 page magazine featuring Black, queer and fem creatives. I produced and defended my 35 page honors thesis. I also helped direct and design a fashion show based on the themes of my thesis. While that was the most productive time of my life, I was barely eating or sleeping, and my nervous system occupied a state of constant dysregulation. I gave my everything to the work because I knew my time was ticking in college. 

The last thing I wanted to do was graduate and not have anything to show for my time. I was hoping to land a job working for a major magazine, art museum, or something spectacular to prove that I was legitimate. Despite the support from my peers and professors, the only outcome I craved was the ability to post on LinkedIn: “I am SO grateful to announce I’m working at Vogue Magazine, making more money than YOU because I am BETTER and MORE hardworking than ALL OF YOU!” At least, that’s how all of the LinkedInfluencers sound to me. 

Careerism was abundant at my college, especially among the folks like myself who were a part of full ride scholarship cohorts. I often forgot that the majority of college students are not among the elite and wealthy groups. While I am not wealthy by any means, I grew up among extremely wealthy children from K-12, and ended up in those spaces in college. Their connections, privileges and capacity to achieve whatever their minds set out on is mind blowing. They are taking trips across the globe just for giggles, meeting with presidents of companies, and being inducted into secret elite societies at the age of 21. With the farthest I’ve traveled being Puerto Rico (free them!), it is beyond unhealthy for me to compare myself to their achievements. But of course, I still did.

At the time of the previous solar eclipse in Aries last May, I was also dealing with intense romantic rejection. I had begun crushing on and falling for someone in a way I hadn’t experienced in a long time. I don’t think I’ll go into detail about that experience just yet, but long story short, they rejected me within hours after getting physically intimate. They then lied to me about not being available to date anyone, and I found out later that they made out with someone the next day. And then decided to date that person instead. 

After a life of growing up ugly in predominantly white schools, and facing constant rejection, ghosting, and mistreatment on dating apps, I have very deep core wounds regarding romance. As a Black fem, I was not treated like a romantic option by my peers. I attended every prom alone, celebrated every valentine's day alone, and to this day I have not had an in person relationship of any kind. I had my first sapphic kiss last year at the age of 21, and I still have never slept with anyone at age 22. The rejection I faced last Spring had me nauseated for weeks. I would randomly burst into tears in public spaces thinking about it. And so I poured all of my heartache into my art, in hopes of proving that I was worth being alive. Worth being paid attention to. Worth loving.

After undergrad, I graduated unemployed with zero job offers. In all honesty, I couldn’t even give the job search my whole heart. I had exhausted myself so badly that I became unable to do basic functions. Hygiene, health, and cleanliness went out of the window—I had literally begun rotting in bed after graduation.

I was humiliated and mortified. In my four years of college, I hadn’t achieved two of my biggest hopes: to achieve my career goals, and to end the narrative of my ugliness that I had been fed since Kindergarten. While the second goal may seem shallow, it is a common thing that young queer adults get to reinvent themselves away from their hometown and parents. In my mind, college was supposed to be the perfect place for me to escape the bullying and ostracization I faced in childhood. Luckily, finding my friend group did indeed allow me to reinvent myself, discover my queerness, and develop an identity outside of trauma. But romance and sex still remain unknown to me.

Without a job to pay rent, I was forced to move back in with my parents. Everyday, I am facing the limiting beliefs developed in this childhood bedroom. Looking at the furniture, the old memorabilia, the dolls I can’t bring myself to discard––I often feel like I have made no progress. With inflation on the rise, the job market in shambles, and rent prices unchecked, I have no clue what a path forward looks like. As a creative living in the rural, suburban south, I don’t have the abundant opportunities that exist in LA, ATL or NYC. We have farms. And Taco Bell. My town doesn’t even have a mall and is just now building their first movie theater last year. College was supposed to be my way out.

With this Libra eclipse, I am working hard to believe that a different life is possible. As I explore pursuing an MFA, starting a creative business, and selling my artwork, I cannot afford to be an obstacle in my journey to pursue my dreams. As a Black lesbian living in the south, I have enough obstacles already. A lot of my insecurities involving my art involve my disbelief in my own value. I believe I am incredibly skilled at execution and technicalities, but when the approval of other people get involved, my knees start knocking and my teeth start chattering. After living the life of a ghost, I find it extremely difficult to believe that people can see me, and that visibility is safe. Despite my artwork going viral online, having over 7,000 followers on all platforms combined, I fear that my words and art are dispensable. This eclipse, I want to let go of these limiting beliefs, and embrace gratitude and opportunity with open arms.

This fall and winter, I’ve decided to throw in the towel on attempting to date anyone for a while. Spare me your dating advice, I’ve tried it all. I do not think that I currently live in an environment that loves and cherishes Black women as romantic options. Surprisingly enough, my most harmful dating experiences, including the rejection I faced earlier this year, have been from other Black women and nonbinary sapphics, but that’s a story for another day. In Puerto Rico, I remember being desired for the first time, and I realized that my location may be the reason why I am not treated like my white and lighter-complexioned peers. While the people who pursued me were cishet men, I still had never been so boldly pursued. The men there assumed I was Afro-Latina, and for the first time my white classmates were the ones who looked out of place. 

I pray that one day I can find a place like that where Black queer love is abundant, where I am beautiful, and I cannot count the number of lesbians I know on my hands.

Alot of dating advice often has underlying implications that it is the single person’s fault for their misfortune, but I rebuke that notion. It’s always “Do you put yourself out there?” Yes. “Do you ask people out?” Yes. “Have you tried dating apps?” YES. “Have you stopped looking it’ll come and find you when you least expe-” Please shut up oh my God. People who grew up being desired, pursued, or just got lucky with romance give terrible advice to those of us who aren’t as fortunate. I hate the assumption that it’s something we’re doing wrong on our end, and not a system that uplifts antiBlack beauty standards, heteronormativity, and individualistic culture. I have gone my whole life believing my singleness was my fault, and that there was some action I hadn’t taken that resulted in failure.

In childhood, I had no choice in where I grew up, being neurodivergent, how long it took for me to determine my sexuality, and the antisocial behaviors of my Gen Z peers. People have become WEIRD as hell with the invention of social media and the effects of the pandemic. Throwing in the towel means I am decentering romance from my life. I am not saying I don’t believe love is possible, I am merely accepting that romance is out of my control. Maybe one day I will know what it is like to be held by a lover, but that is not something I know of today.

I will admit that as a lesbian, it feels like I am losing a piece of my identity validity by decentering queer partnership. I fought so hard to find myself and my desires, and it feels like there was no point in doing so sometimes. But I am trying to fight those beliefs and know that my identity is not dependent on my dating status or level of sexual experience. For me, lesbianism is not just who I sleep with, it is my politics, my gender, and my lifestyle. I want to be happy, and I will not wait for other people to see my worth and beauty to do so. For all I know, I may die a virgin. The outcomes of other people’s actions and dating preferences are not in my control, so I am choosing to focus on what I can control. 

This eclipse, I am letting go of the unconscious belief that I must work for love. I have worked my ass off in searching, asking people out, and being intentional about romantic pursuits. There is no more healing, working out, or personal successes I need to achieve before I can be loved. I am lovable now, in this state, and I will prove that to myself by loving myself despite the rocky state that I am in. This fall and winter, I am focusing on building a relationship with myself. I want to build back trust in my body and mind, after severely abusing it in college. I want to eat healthy, create art from my heart, and have fun in ways I can afford. 

Money is tight, but my love and creativity is abundant. I will shower myself with those things, always. 

Thank you for reading, don’t forget to answer the journal prompts:

• How is this solar eclipse treating you? 

• In your life, do you see any connections between the April solar eclipse and this October one? 

• What limiting beliefs are you working on? 

• How do you nurture your relationship with yourself? 

• How do you remind yourself of your value and worth, even in times of difficulty?

• Are romance and art connected for you? How?